By Helena Handbasket – October 8th 2020
In yet another obedience test, the Irish government is now threatening to ban Christmas in what can also be seen as its clear agenda of attack on the Catholic religion.
This is also under the guise of a virus which is no longer prevalent in the country and clearly no pandemic threat, if it ever was, renamed ‘Novid-19’.
This comes despite efforts by Father Christmas, otherwise known as Santa to millions across the world, to combat any threat of fabricated disease spread. In a TV broadcast from the North Pole, Santa tried to reassure families, particularly children expecting a visit, that as they all know already, he knows if they’ve been good or bad since his last visit and he also knows if they’ve tested positive for Covid-19.
In a further message aimed directly at the Irish Politburo he stated that he was willing to comply to Covid restrictions and would not enter any home by his traditional chimney route of access but would leave all presents in a garden, where applicable, and if not in a communal area.
A Facebook page, titled Burglars for Covid, has seen increased activity as burglars all over Ireland prepare for a Christmas bonanza and members were seen throughout many Irish cities scouting out gardens and communal areas for potential Santa drops.
Santa also stated that he and his helpers would wear bright red hazmat suits to further protect anyone they may come in contact with on their travels despite the fact that throughout history Santa and his helpers, including reindeers, have never been sighted by anyone.
In the latest development Santa received a letter from Minister for Death, Stephen Donnelly, asking for a promotion as his Christmas gift, and in a footnote asked Santa to return the self-administered Covid -19 tests required before receiving his operating license, to Stephen Donnelly at the Department of Death. Santa had complied but was clearly upset that one of his helpers, Alabaster Snowball, had tested negative but still had to self-isolate simply due to the connotation of his name being associated with ‘whiteness’ and ‘coldness’ therefore clearly exhibiting symptoms of racism and the vanishing virus, according to a spokesthing at the Department of Death. He is not expected to take part in this year’s Christmas period and will instead look after Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, who was treated in a like manner, again simply due to his “red nasal protuberance indicating positive Covid-19 symptoms”, again according to the spokesthing at the same department.
Stephen Donnelly was not available for comment, but in a later tweet to Santa he further elaborated on his promotion wish list indicating that, “He wanted to be the sole dictator in Ireland, hint, hint, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, and if this were to be granted, he could show his appreciation by reciprocating in like manner by granting Santa a license and a waiver to cover possible infringement of the ‘Rule of Six’ thus enabling Santa to use reasonable discretion as outlined in the 666 page document enclosed.
In another development Bill Gates has stated that to save the planet Santa must adhere to emissions as outlined in the latest draft legislation regarding large mammal methane emissions and stated that unless Santa converted to electric reindeer by 2021 then Christmas would be officially banned in the Western world. Santa responded to Gates that his reindeer were in fact carbon neutral using their own reindeer farts to power the sleigh across the world. Santa had ensured enough farts would be available by feeding the reindeer a steady diet of GM beans supplied by Gates himself, and was constantly replacing them with fresh livestock as they kept inexplicably dying of strange, non-Covid related diseases. Gates declined an invitation to debate the issue with Santa, stating however that his Track & Trace technology would be used to spy on Santa to ensure his compliance with United Nations Sustainable Development Goals in regard to emissions. In what he described as further evidence of his philanthropic goodwill, he also sent a further supply of a new strain of GM beans with a 10% discount voucher payable by return post but only via a non-contact payment system. A surcharge would apply if cash was the only option.
As Christmas passes, the Irish people may have to get used to the idea of their traditional religious festivals being cancelled with Easter clearly the next victim in waiting.
We tried to contact the Easter Bunny for comment but were informed by a source exhibiting long ears and a twitching tail that, “The rabbit will not be making any public appearances until closer to the holiday in question. He is currently in hiding in an undisclosed location, believed to be a foreign embassy, awaiting developments to ascertain if he will need to seek sanctuary in another country to avoid persecution and subsequent extradition to Saudi Arabia” according to A. Warren, a representative for rabbit affairs.
In a further Easter development it was announced that only GM vegan chocolate will be permitted in the manufacture of traditional Easter Eggs and that these could even be boiled to prevent unsuspecting parents and children falling fowl of another new law outlawing the boiling of real eggs.
In a comment by Irish patriots concerned that new GM eggs could also be baked, stated that, “A real Easter Rising was what was needed.”