By ODD Dave, 17th April 2020

So you’ve admitted that you want Covid-19!

Of course you do, and you want to get it while it’s still novel. You know you’ll get tons of sympathy and attention. You’ll become a social media legend overnight. You know you deserve this. Why leave it to chance when you can take action now that will greatly enhance this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?

The first thing to realise is that infection can only become disease when your natural defences are down. So it’s clearly time to declare war on your own immune system. Our experts have put together a winning formula. Just follow these five simple steps and your natural immunity will no longer be an obstacle to achieving your dreams.

1. Stay indoors!

Keep the windows closed and the curtains drawn. The objective is to get zero sunlight and fresh air. In this fight, stuffy, oxygen depleted air is on your side.

Nature is healthy so you’ll have to remain vigilant against even looking out of the windows at trees and wildlife. Kettle your family into as small a space as possible. Make absolutely sure that everyone is uncomfortable.

2. Keep exercise to an absolute minimum!

The closure of parks, beaches and other recreational areas is a timely aid in your struggle against the temptation to go out walking or cycling. Avoid working or setting yourself any goals whatsoever. Research has shown that when you are intensely engaged in an activity your metabolic functions may be disastrously enhanced. Instead, select at least two new unhealthy habits and spend your time perfecting them.

3. Embrace stress!

Chronic stress is the enemy of your enemy.

Watch frightening reports on TV at least once every hour.

Choose a mantra such as “We’re all doomed!” and repeat it relentlessly.

Find new things to worry about and new ways to worry about old things.

Money is always a fertile subject, especially when you can’t go to work.

Keep all your bills displayed in a prominent place so you are constantly reminded of them.

Studies have shown that emotional trauma is a highly potent immunosuppressant, so constantly pick a fight with every member of your family. Since socialising can have a negative impact on this project, be sure to isolate yourself and neutralise any risk of feelings of companionship or well-being. Avoid sleep at all costs. Stay awake all night by watching depressing documentaries and end-of-the-world genre films.

4. Outlaw nutrition!

Deploy siege warfare and starve your immune system of its fundamental building blocks. Luckily, quarantine makes it easy to avoid fresh produce. Be grateful that the farmers markets have all been closed down. We all know the things to avoid… Vitamins A, C, D, E, zinc, iodine, probiotics etc. Do your own research… Find every possible ally of immune system health and eliminate it entirely. Load up on food that is certified nutrition-free. Consume as much sugar as you are able to stomach; it hammers your white blood cells!

5. Poison your body!

Drinking and smoking are great, but don’t neglect to deluge your body with other toxic agents. Although choice is currently limited, try to find foods that contain the highest concentrations of glyphosate. Just look for Monsanto’s familiar ‘Roundup Riddled’ logo.

If you can’t get hold of anything stronger, common drugs can still provide valuable assaults against your body’s resistance. You can rely on ibuprofen to inhibit antibody production, while paracetamol is perfect for depleting that most dangerous antioxidant, glutathione.

Try to dedicate most of your day to basking in electromagnetic radiation. If you are not fortunate enough to have a phone mast nearby, you can still make good use of the devices in your home. Remember, reduce your distance by half and you quadruple your exposure! So press mobile phones and tablets firmly against your body and sleep with Wi-Fi routers and repeaters right next to your bed.

It’s time to ask yourself the question. Are you a looser or are you going to make proper use of this professional advice and kick-start your own personal journey into ill-health?

The time is now. What are you waiting for?

Maintain your focus. By winning one battle at a time you will eventually be triumphant in this war against your natural immunity to the coveted Covid-19 prize!

It goes without saying that you will want to maintain severe dehydration at all times. If you must drink some water, be sure to choose heavily flouridated tap water.

Since correlation is emerging between flu vaccination and Covid-19 disease, go get at least one flu shot now!