WHY bother being middle-class any more, I ask myself. Why bother drinking tea from a cup and saucer when you can just slurp it from a mug, or better still a communal trough in the kitchen.

They all hate you. If you are white and middle-class, well you might as well shuffle off this mortal Earth right now, preferably taking your horrible, grotesque and entitled kids with you. Everywhere I look, hard work and merit counts for nothing. It is all about diversity, inclusion and the latest – ‘improving social mobility’. 

Alan Milburn doesn’t want employers to rely on actual CVs to hire people, as ‘CVs … aren’t working. Or rather they are working only for some. Those from a wealthier background are nearly 80 per cent more likely to end up in professional jobs than those from a working-class background’. 

Instead, Milburn wants employers to just go out on to the street, pick some random working-class lad, and hire them instead. No, that’s not quite correct. He wants employers (who are not entitled to think about how best to improve their business – no, that is old-school, that is discriminatory) to grab the CVs they do have, throw them down the stairs and the first to land on the third step from the bottom gets the job. (I might be taking a few liberties there, but you get the idea.) This will ‘help improve socio-economic diversity.’

Unless that CV has a middle-class name like Alan or Mark. If that’s the case, the employer should just bin it and move straight to Mohammed, as ‘research shows that applicants with Asian or African-sounding names need to send twice as many job applications as those with a traditionally British name to secure an interview’.

This comes after Oxbridge has officially told middle-class high achievers that they should drop dead. Again, I may be paraphrasing there. We are told that, ‘middle-class high achievers will miss out on Oxbridge places as colleges are under pressure to meet diversity targets. The university’s radical pledge to boost the number of undergraduates from deprived backgrounds will inevitably result in bright pupils from well-off families getting “squeezed out”, according to two senior Oxford dons’. Of course it will. 

Selecting on merit is so last century. Although not perfect, I reckon it’s better than most other systems used to select candidates for jobs or universities, such as discrimination (either positive or negative), who your father knows, or how physically attractive the candidate is. 

And heaven forfend if you are a smart kid who went to a private school, worked really hard and now wants to apply to Oxbridge. Further, if you are a white male and middle-class, you are essentially untouchable. You should just apologise for existing and head to the nearest non-Oxbridge university – only it can’t be a redbrick, as that will mean you might maintain your position in the middle-class and we all know we can’t be having that. Should you choose this path however, you can only atone for your sin of existing by hating yourself for it most days of the week.  

So, middle-class parents of Britain, with your disgusting tutoring, and your selfish sacrificing of holidays to send the kids to private school, and your horrid supervising of homework, I tell you now: Your time is up. 

Can’t you hear it from the dudes at the Social Mobility Foundation, to the sleepy spires of Oxford, to the offices of The Guardian, to the BBC and soon enough all the way to number 10?

I just know Boris is going to start lecturing the middle-class on how privileged they all are and that they should just move over and make room for all his kids – no, sorry, I meant everyone else’s kids who are not middle-class.

That’s where all this is heading. Just give up all those middle-class values along with your polluting car right now. Truly, you should be ashamed of yourself. 

Conservative Woman